In 2022, I competed in the Miss Chinese Chicago pageant (now known as Miss Asian Chicago), my first ever pageant and I pushed myself to do something I was scared of. In the process, I learned the power of being vulnerable, allowing me to break barriers for myself and others so that we can connect.
I aspire to share my stories, both positive and negative, so that others can relate and know that they’re not alone. Being vulnerable isn’t a weakness. We can be victoriously vulnerable.
Here are a few of my stories. I hope this shows you my evolution in becoming victoriously vulnerability and how sharing your story can help us relate and connect with each other.
2006: Middle school (excerpt from my essay on Thick Dumpling Skin)
There was this boy who was a year younger than me. For some reason, he thought he was king and better than others. It is normal for a pouch of skin to form when one’s thumb moves inwards. However, he would try to prove that my pouch was larger than others’ surely because I was fat. He teased me but all I could do was pretend that I was sleeping. I could still hear him say that I am fat and that I was just pretending to sleep. It didn’t matter what I thought of myself, but soon other people’s views began to infiltrate into my self-hood. I compared myself to others to gain the justification that I was not fat, or at least not bigger than others.
2013: College (excerpt from my essay on Thick Dumpling Skin)
I am thick-skinned, but thick-skinned as in physically bigger. Words and comments still hurt me, but my own belittling thoughts are much more harmful. I still compare myself to others and look in the mirror to analyze my body. I lift up my shirt to see how far my stomach protrudes and even suck it in to imagine the day I would finally be able to slip into an itty-bitty bikini without a second thought about my love handles. These habits of always focusing on body size are because I don’t have that figurative thicker skin and because I have not learned to love it in the physical sense. But I need to understand that what really matters is:
It’s what’s on the inside that counts.
– Thick Dumpling Skin
2020: Pandemic weight loss
“别再胖了” “Don’t get fatter,” said my grandmother. Pandemic lock downs were beginning in the U.S. and she was worried that I’d get fatter from being at home. Little did I know that sentence would result in me waking up every day at 7am to work out in my apartment storage room and then stop eating out while following a meal plan. I lost 25 pounds in 1 year. I thought I had achieved what I wanted, weight loss for a slimmer physique, but I found myself still self-conscious. I gained almost all the weight back in 2021.
2021: Unsatisfied with my wedding photos
I thought I would feel so beautiful in wedding photos taken by a professional photographer but I remember feeling unsatisfied with how I looked. I fit my wedding dress but I didn’t feel confident. I smiled but I still wondered if I was beautiful or how I’d look in the final photos. Even though my friends and guests said I looked beautiful, I didn’t believe them. I was waiting for outside validation to fulfill me, rather than having my confidence radiate from within.
2022: Reframing my body insecurities
I love entering a new year because you feel like you’re starting fresh. In January 2022, I learned about the Miss Chinese Chicago pageant and I entered. I remember speaking with Victoria Ng, the Executive Director of CHI-AWE, about feeling self-conscious, of being the larger contestant on stage. I reviewed past contestants and I didn’t resonate with them. But I wanted to push myself and walk on stage in a bikini.
Through Victoria and the fellow contestants’ encouragement, as I tried new things, including speaking on stage, preparing for contestant photo-shoots, practicing our walk in 6″ heels, and strutting in a bikini, I felt my confidence grow. What helped me re-frame my insecurities, was to see them in a new light. With the Miss Chinese Chicago photo-shoot, I saw my smile and body in a new way. Through exercise, I re-framed my thick thighs not as fat, but as strong, when I lifted heavy weights. Even when we had rehearsal in a dance studio with mirrors, I saw that I exaggerated how big I was in my mind. When we were all lined up in our bikinis, I saw that we were each beautiful in our own way.
I was used to being confident from my work and academic abilities. Perhaps similar to other Chinese Americans who may have had parents prioritize their academics. I worked hard to achieve high grades and good school outcomes. But with gaining confidence in my body, I did not know how to achieve it until the pageant.
The pageant helped me see myself in a new light. I was too scared to wear a bikini before, but when I put it on, it wasn’t so scary. I was nervous when placed in front of a camera, but through practice, poses flowed naturally. I was anxious about my big gummy smiles, but Victoria showed me that my authentic smile was beautiful. I entered Miss Chinese Chicago to show my younger self that she is beautiful, and I did.
2023 – Present: Loving my body through thick and thin
This year, I gained weight but I don’t find myself worrying about it as I would have in the past. I still loved myself despite feeling my love handles getting bigger or my cheeks filling out.
Despite that, I still pushed myself to model, something I never thought I could do. By sharing my body positivity message and connecting with photographers, we were able to produce beautiful photographs. I model so that petite mid-size women see they are beautiful.
I also began sharing my body positivity and insecurities by making Instagram reels, which helped me connect with others and show that we are not alone. However, it’s not all rainbow and sunshine. Putting myself out there publicly means that there are also haters.
One of my reels has 290K+ views, but also hundreds of comments fat shaming me. I chose to share my height, size, and weight (5’2″, size 12, 170 lb) so that other women similar to me can see themselves in me and I can normalize what a petite midsize 170lb woman can look like. At first, I was shocked, but because I have built the muscle to love myself as I am, it did not overwhelm me. I was also surprised by the amount of support from the 30K+ likes and comments from friends and strangers who defended me.
This is my story of becoming victoriously vulnerable. I rarely shared my body insecurities when I was younger. Then a college professor encouraged me to open this box and write about it. Thick Dumpling Skin inspired me to share my stories publicly, albeit without my name. Chicago Asian Women Empowerment and Miss Chinese Chicago sparked my growth by giving me a platform to share my body positivity journey, so that I can help myself. Hopefully others love ourselves for who we are.
Fabric photo credits: Creative Direction: @photos_by_belinda @_styledbyshaunna | Photographer/Retoucher: @photos_by_belinda | Hairstylist: @bbeautifulsoulchild | MUA: @earthangel_beauties | Wardrobe Stylist: @_styledbyshaunna | 📍 @wolfmedia.studios